I roll up the drive to my hotel that I’m currently living in with trepidation. I had hoped power would be returned by the time I got back from getting a hot meal. No such luck. My heart sinks to find the parking lot fully dark, fully empty, and a sign on the door. I was prepared to survive the night without power, but I never expected them to outright close the whole thing down. All of my things are in there! What do I do?!
I park my car and get out to read the sign. Maybe there are instructions that will tell me what I need to know. It’s so dark though. No street lights in the parking lot. No light emanating anywhere from the building or anything else. The hotel sits perched atop a hill, so there isn’t even the light of passing traffic. It’s scary to feel so alone and abandoned. Nothingness and dark and cold.
I approach the door, shivering. I probably have the warmest coat in all of Texas. It’s just barely even cold really. The idea of this lasting a few days with no reprieve is hard to bear though. And the darkness, overwhelming. This place, my temporary home, all closed off with no options. The sign on the door, simply “closed, no electricity.” I stare at it, disbelieving. I don’t even know anyone here to ask for help. I have nowhere to go. I’m lost and alone and cold and beaten. Texas has dealt me a blow too hard to handle before I’ve even had a chance to get my footing.
I stay lost in my thoughts and staring at the sign in the cold. Willing it to change. To tell me something more. I shiver, but am unable to move. Despair threatening to eat me up. Finally I turn to head to my car. I’ll get warm again and figure something out. I always do.
As I’m leaving, a big black pickup truck pulls up under the overhang as though they have a mind to check in. I find myself afraid. So alone. As though the whole of civility is dependent on electricity and now here in the dark, all sorts of terrible things could happen to me. My car is all the way over there, parked as though I was staying. In my sudden trepidation, I pick up the pace. . . I must have found a slick spot. I feel so confused. How did I get on the ground? I hurry to stand, hoping no one saw me fall. How embarrassing. But just as soon as I start to get my feet underneath me, I’m overwhelmed by dizziness. Did I hit my head? I don’t know. I try again but I feel too floaty to stand. I don’t understand. The man from the truck is next to me. I feel like I’m missing time. I go from sitting on the cold ground, to sitting in his warm truck without understanding how I got there.
I hear his deep voice. Asking questions. I try to answer, but words don’t come fast enough. He makes me follow his finger with my eyes like a doctor would. I do, but even I can tell that I’m not reacting as quickly as I should. Concussion. “Let’s get you warm and cozy,” he says. He shuts off the truck and comes around to the passenger side door. He guides me out. I slide down the edge of the seat into his arms. I’m embarrassed and uncomfortable and try to pull away, but he won’t have it. His tall, strong frame holding me up and keeping me steady. I’m shocked when I see that we aren’t even at the hotel anymore. Lost time. Concussion. Fuck, it feels so disorienting to not be able to keep track of things. I can’t focus. . .
***
I don’t know what happened. I can’t think. It’s too difficult. It doesn’t make sense . . . Strong hands on me. . . Warmth. . . I can’t make sense of it . . . then darkness. . . Nothing but darkness. . . But it’s warm. . . I try to hold on to reality, but I don’t know how. . .
When I wake up, I’m surrounded by nothing but darkness. Am I even awake? Am I even alive? I’m not sure. I try to move. My hands are bound over my head. I’m constricted inside a small space. I can’t decide what’s real. Nothing. No light. No sound, but my own heart beat. Louder now, since I acknowledged it. No nothing. I squirm to try to get away. But it’s no use. I feel so trapped. The panic of claustrophobia. I gasp for air. I thrash about in the confined space. I become convinced that I’m in a coffin. Buried alive. The absence of light and space and sound. I gasp for air. It’s closing in on me. There’s no hope. I’m as good as dead. I accept my fate. I have no choice. I allow the darkness to consume me.
When I wake up again, it’s more of the same. Darkness. Constriction. But something different. A feeling of fullness. I can’t make sense of it. I fall back into the abyss of darkness.
I’m woken up by something new. Buzzing between my legs. A sensation upon my nether region that threatens to do me in. My hips fight to be still. The intensity of vibration escalates. Once I’m moved to writhe it becomes so much more intense. I should have stayed still and it would be ok, but now I’m beyond all hope. A helpless gasp escapes my lips beyond my control. “Oh god.” I writhe some more. The feeling intensifies. . . then stops altogether. Leaving my body a squirming wanton mess. “Please,” I gasp. But no response nor relief answers. The darkness eventually takes over again.
I awake to the buzzing between my legs again. My bud so sensitive and swollen that I can’t handle it. My hips rock back and forth beyond my control. I no longer notice my entrapment. The intense darkness the furthest thing from my mind My bound hands twist in the ropes trying only to find leverage to bring myself to completion. I moan with need. Need for completion. I hear moans escape from my lips and fill the vacuum of space that I’m in. I can’t help it. I try to resist, but the promise of pleasure becomes overwhelming and I need release.
The buzzing stops, and I shout my curses into the void. Fuck, no, please. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and the buzzing starts again, not that it matters. This time my clit is so sensitive and the intensity of vibration is stronger than before. A second vibrator starts. One that is filling my pussy. I can’t take it. Too much sensation after so little. Hands are on me out of nowhere. Squeezing my breasts. Pinching my nipples. I moan. I squeal. I can’t escape it. Oh god, I can’t take it. I try to fight the orgasm. I know I need it, but I can’t let this happen to me. God. The more I try to stop it, the more intense it gets. I can’t escape it. Finally all fight drains out of my body and I accept the feelings forced upon me. My whole body convulses around the vibrator that was shoved inside my pussy when I was asleep. Warmth spreads through me and my moans sound so loud. Oh fuck, oh god. My hips thrash hard with my completion and I’m encased in silent darkness yet again. Although this time, a better kind of exhaustion and not enough sense left to be ashamed.
The next time I wake, it’s to blinding light. At first I can’t see anything at all and the brightness hurts. I try to roll away and I’m shocked to find that I’m no longer bound. My hands are free. My hands are free! At first I use them to cover my eyes from the burning brightness. Eventually I adapt. I peek out from between my fingers. My eyes unaccustomed to the light, at first I see halos around everything. I can tell that I’m in a normal bed in a normal bedroom though. Blankets. A pillow. I see a figure across the room coming towards me.
“Oh good, you’re finally awake. I was getting worried.”
He sits on the edge of the bed and puts his hand on my knee. I start to panic, but his voice is soothing.
“You’ve been through so much, poor thing.”
He climbs into bed next to me. I try to protest. I try to shout. To tell him to leave me alone. But I can’t find my voice. Before I can make even a peep, he’s pulled me into his arms. I start to cry. The comforting warmth so very much needed. He goes on to tell me how he took care of me. That I had a concussion, so he needed to keep me in a dark room for my brain to heal. The lack of stimulus important for my recovery. Lack of stimulus?! Like hell! But he describes the way everything works very clinically. Neural processes and subcortical inflammation and other big words I don’t know. He must be a doctor. Or a teacher. He knows all these things and I should be glad that he found me. I AM glad that he found me. But the dull ache of overuse between my legs still makes me wonder if the liberties taken with my barely conscious body were real or just a nightmare.
